….but we are all fabulous.
Following a motorway car crash this week (no-one injured beyond a little bruising and tender muscles), I have been going for walks rather than more extreme exercise to avoid jolting my body any further (and a little because I was a bit nervous of parking the courtesy car in the gym car park to be honest). If you walk without music, it’s a great way to touch base with yourself – like a private counselling session or consultation. Have felt energised yesterday and today from walking.
Today my thoughts included: What would have happened if I had died in the crash? Answer, nothing really. Obviously S and my mum would have been devastated, but they would have carried on living and moving forward. If my life had stopped, an inventory of where I was at would have seen a career which was about average – a few publications, some good teaching and admin which would have been hard to fill straightaway but which a few months later would have been covered over leaving no trace. Personally, I would have left a few friends and family behind, with hopefully positive opinions of me and I would have left some debts, some photos and journals and possessions to be disposed of. Although when I started talking to S about this after the walk, I felt a bit tearful and upset – I’m obviously still processing things – at the time I was thinking this it felt freeing somehow – the things I have felt het up about such as other people’s decisions at work in my absence, unfinished or late work, are not ultimately that important – they are not life and death. What is important to me? A small group of friends and my Mum (smaller than I have strived for or imagined, but somehow more precious because of that), one or two possessions I would save in a fire – M, W, my necklace from S and bracelet from Mum and some photos if I had time. But the essence of me is not my possessions but my memories, my hopes and plans and relationships. I want to live in a way in which I am hopefully being a force for good and a positive in people’s lives, dwelling on the wonder around and not the sordid, although not being blind to it.
It also made me think that life is now – all my boxes of things to read one day or sort one day are crazy – as are my ‘one day I must do x’s’ including most recently starting blogging more regularly, so I have posted this as a start.